Whispering in God's Ear

It was bound to happen on this journey. It always does. I find an answer or begin a certain path and then I have one of "those" days and my serenity goes out the window. The fundamental problem with my basic understanding of spirituality has been this confused notion that I'm supposed to be serene all the time, that uncomfortableness should not be part of the process. It's simple. You meditate, you pray, you go to church, you study the Bible, you take communion, you do service, you try to be a relatively good person... so things should be nice and tidy, right? Well...no, they aren't. I'm finding out that this Christian journey is anything but tidy. I'm this messy, blurry-around-the-edges human being, who sometimes wakes up in the morning feeling anxious about how the bills are going to get paid, or whether or not someone likes me, or wondering what the meaning of this very existence is all about. And these kinds of thoughts creep into my doubti...

I've always thought of myself as a caring, emotional person. But the truth is, eight years ago I walked away from God and instead of putting a wall around my heart, I made sure a thick layer of hard ice surrounded it to keep Him out. Last year I lost three people dear to me--my best friend of 33 years, my mother-in-law, and my dearest colleague who died in a hit and run motorcycle accident at the age of 39. I was an unaffiliated practicing Buddhist at the time. Yet no matter how much I meditated and how much I studied, I could not find peace. It was not until I went back to church that the shift began. I have said several times in past posts that my Buddhist practice added much to my life. It taught me the value of going into silence, much about having a compassionate heart, and how to work at living in the present moment. What it lacked for me was a power greater than myself, outside of my "self". The whole time I practiced, I was aware of God, the God I had abando...