Rocks in My Shoes
The fundamental problem with my basic understanding of spirituality has been this confused notion that I'm supposed to be serene all the time, that uncomfortableness should not be part of the process.
It's simple. You meditate, you pray, you go to church, you study the Bible, you take communion, you do service, you try to be a relatively good person... so things should be nice and tidy, right?
Well...no, they aren't. I'm finding out that this Christian journey is anything but tidy. I'm this messy, blurry-around-the-edges human being, who sometimes wakes up in the morning feeling anxious about how the bills are going to get paid, or whether or not someone likes me, or wondering what the meaning of this very existence is all about. And these kinds of thoughts creep into my doubting mind even before my feet have hit the floor.
Then there are nights like this one. It is now 2:15 a.m. and here I lie, feeling a vague sense of ennui. I'm not depressed, just a little lost in it all. What is it that can turn a day around from one full of promise and hope to one of fear and doubt?
I would like to tell you that I haven't been praying or meditating, and that is the reason for the shift in mood. In fact, I have been diligent about my meditation and prayer, and therein lies the very answer to my question.
Somewhere along the line I got the notion that meditation and prayer were designed to make me feel calm and in control, and that I would feel this guru-like serenity that would carry me through the day on a comfy pink cloud.
What I am discovering is quite the opposite. The deeper I go into meditation and prayer, the more I see of myself and my behavior, and the more aware I become of my shortcomings and character defects. This was not what I set out to do in pursuing spirituality. My hope was that I would suddenly be enlightened and start feeling more sure of myself. Instead, I've come to realize that the spiritual path is not going to be an easy road. Worldliness, cynicism and desolation are the easy paths, often disguised by the acquiring of things, of prestige, money, notoriety, power, etc. The spiritual path, if begun with a sincere heart, always leads to a tearing away of the mask, of having to take a deeper look into oneself. I'm not suggesting that going to church is a therapy session. The Bible is not a self-help book. What church and the Bible give us is a way to plumb the deepest, and sometimes darkest parts of ourselves.
The saving grace of meditation and prayer for me is that it is a constant reminder of the bigger picture. I have come to believe that this force of love, which I choose to call God, permeates every living, breathing thing on earth and actually loves me, despite all my imperfections and defects. This Creative Force, so magnificent that I cannot even begin to fathom Its essence, in some remarkable way cares about me, just as it cares about all other humans, even those who are most despised. That in itself amazes me, that this God not only loves children, and the poor, the weak and the lowly, but also loves criminals and dictators, the insane and those scorned by society. This God loves everyone. I get so analytical sometimes when contemplating God's unconditional love, that I start to feel overwhelmed by it. But do I really need to understand it to trust it, and can I even begin to comprehend the vastness of this source of absolute love?
I have recently replaced the words faith in God to trust in God. I am building a relationship based on trust, and I think I am getting there through what I am learning about this fascinating, very human and yet divine entity named Christ.
His is not a pretty story. The nativity leads directly to the cross. It's a sad tale from the get go because this God incarnate is completely the opposite of what I think a God on earth should be. Yes, Christ supposedly performed miracles, and he could turn water into wine, etc., etc. But his teachings are not about how to be miraculous and a crowd pleaser. He is asking me and he is asking you to turn your life completely around to follow Him. And the pay-off? You get to maybe understand what He is all about. You start to experience a connection with the Creator that goes beyond words. You begin seeing people and situations differently. Looking in the mirror becomes an act of expecting more out of yourself instead of an act of vanity.
To follow Him requires a boldness and a courage that I'm not sure I'm capable of. But for some strange reason I want to follow Him today, in spite of my fears and misgivings. The little voice inside me says "run away" while the Big Voice inside says, "Stay and dare to go on this adventure. You will be in pain sometimes, physical and emotional, maybe even often. You will be frightened and want to escape, but if you get past the uncomfortableness and the doubt, the ultimate gift is authenticity of spirit, of truly knowing oneself, the good and the bad, and learning how to be of ultimate service to others.
As I said, this path is not the easiest one, especially in the short run. In the long run, however, I believe the experience is ultimately transcendent. And it is comforting to know that even though I sometimes want to ignore the fact that Christ is walking right beside me, I believe that He is with me every step of the way. Maybe this realization is part of my uncomfortableness. Now that I've begun this pilgrimage, there are expectations on me to go the distance.
Travelers depend on each other: they trust each other to watch each other's backs. Christ is depending on me not to let Him down on the journey, though I am sure I will, many times. But His hand, if I am willing to take it, will always be there to raise me up when I fall.
So even though I've got a few rocks in my shoes right now, I choose the adventure of staying on the path. After all, it's not so bad when your traveling with Christ..and, oh yeah, with the rest of you, too.
Peace and all good things...Amen
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