A Melting Taking Place
Last year I lost three people dear to me--my best friend of 33 years, my mother-in-law, and my dearest colleague who died in a hit and run motorcycle accident at the age of 39. I was an unaffiliated practicing Buddhist at the time. Yet no matter how much I meditated and how much I studied, I could not find peace. It was not until I went back to church that the shift began.
I have said several times in past posts that my Buddhist practice added much to my life. It taught me the value of going into silence, much about having a compassionate heart, and how to work at living in the present moment. What it lacked for me was a power greater than myself, outside of my "self". The whole time I practiced, I was aware of God, the God I had abandoned, lovingly waiting for my return.
I do believe that Christ dwells in us as well as outside of us, but in Buddhism I seemed only to get to the void. I now believe that beyond the void is God, an entity I cannot truly fathom, a being I am wholly at a loss to describe or explain. But Christ, Christ I can relate to. For me, Christ is the bridge to the Father. Why and how, I don't know. I dont understand it. I just know.
Recently, I got some distressing news about some family members who are in crisis. In the past, I would have detached from it all, smugly protecting myself from my feelings by saying "It's not my problem." It is true that there is very little I can do to improve the situation, but I was suddenly overcome with compassion for those who were suffering. I didn't like the feelings. Smug is so much easier than the pain involved in feeling compassion. Compassion puts you right there in someone else's pain. It is visceral and often highly uncomfortable. But for the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to feel it. Another family member asked me how I could love the person causing so much chaos. I answered, "I don't know how. I just do."
When I was a child I cried a lot. I was often told that I was overly sensitive and that I'd better learn to be tougher if I was going to "make it" in this world. For years I hated that part of me that felt everything so keenly. Since returning to church I feel a lot of that sensitivity resurfacing. I'm not talking about taking offense at what people say to me. I did that a lot when I was little because I was very overweight and was often teased about it. But I also had the capacity to care about others, even back then.
What I am experiencing today is a return to a childlike sensitivity, after years of trying to deny who I really am. I'm moving into the Easter season with a renewed hope that I can let myself feel Christ's suffering, and perhaps get a little closer to what it means to love others.
I believe that God came among us as Christ to experience what it means to be human, and to suffer for us so that we might be redeemed in Him. I find it fascinating that I am learning what it means to be fully human by opening my heart to Christ.
As this melting continues I am aware of a deep sense of gratitude for being more in touch with my feelings in the present. For this and for the many gifts I have been given in what I like to call "my goofy little life." I am so very thanksful to God. My heart's a little messy around the edges at the moment with all this melting going on, but with every passing day, things are warming up quite nicely.
Peace to you and may all good things come your way.
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