Putting Your Feet Up and Getting Grounded
I spent the morning talking to a friend who could be a clone of myself. I'm laid up from surgery, and she is out and about doing what I naturally do--making up for lost time, losing time by worrying about how much time is being lost, measuring herself the way I measure myself--against a ruler that is sky high, when I'm only 5 feet 4 (well, almost). She and I both operate in survival mode because that was how we were both raised. The adults in our lives just weren't able to cut it. We had to, on some level, fend for ourselves. And we're both still doing it. Not that that's a bad thing. It just gets plain exhausting sometimes.
Right now, I'm in a wonderful position to wax eloquent on what other people ought to be doing with their lives because, well, my body has led me to a place where it has finally said (in an exasperated voice, I might add), "You have not taken good care of yourself and now you have to take care of me or you won't be around to be doing much of anything. Are you listening?" Um. Yeah, this time I am.
I don't know when and where I got the idea in my life that every little moment had to have purpose, had to be productive, had to push me a little farther along in the "game of life." Maybe it comes from being that kind of kid who never, ever thought she could win at anything.
I loved board games and I hated them. I always approached them with a tiny inkling of hope that maybe, maybe just this time I could win Boardwalk or Park Place and be the big wheel, or maybe win at Chutes and Ladders for once, or I could maybe hula hoop long enough at the county fair to get some kind of prize. (I know. I'm dating myself). But no. I perceived myself as a loser from the get go, so I usually lost. It never dawned on me that people who won at games sometimes played them a lot, and kids who could hula hoop actually practiced. By the way, I don't always think that kids have a lack of confidence because of parents or circumstance. Sometimes we just end up being that way for whatever reason.
So, part of this sequestration in this bed for the past four days has been, in a strange way, a godsend. I have not been able to escape myself and my twisted thinking. Slowly but surely, through reading Hauerwas's "The Peaceable Kingdom" and listening to recent lectures by this amazing woman named Barbara Brown Taylor, (thank you Fr. Josh for your wonderful website http://www.discernland.blogsport.com) that I'm beginning to think that my confusion about my faith does not make me any less of a Christian than the next person. That much of the darkness I've walked through in my life has taught me courage and that somehow I've always been able to do what good old Churchill is quoted as saying, "When you're going through hell, just keep going." I like Taylor's image of someone being an "emerging Christian." I think I might fit that description.
All these years I have assumed that I am supposed to know God, I'm supposed to know God's will for me, I'm supposed to "have all the answers." Well, I don't. I don't know a lot. But I do know that lying here for this past week has brought a sweetness to my heart about my relationships with the people in my life. I've had time to read about things going on in the world that I had no idea were happening. It has given me time to talk with my older son, who I have not been with very much in the past ten years, and it brought both of us to tears. It has made me appreciate deeply my younger son's insights and good-heartedness in just being a person who naturally helps people. It has even made me more patient with my spouse of 38 years. (Now THAT'S an accomplishment!)
And, I get to look out my beloved window every day and see the trees. Charlotte is called the City of Trees, and I have a gorgeous little view of a bunch of them every morning of my life. Take a peek.
So, what I suggested to my friend--actually I'm in a 12-step program with her, so it was even more than a "suggestion" although we're not supposed to give advice (ha!)--that she take five minutes of her day and simply put her feet up--get off her feet, ground herself by unhitching herself from the earth. I heard her sigh, so I am hoping she took my advice.
In the meantime, I will take my own advice and rest, and let myself not have to have all the answers today. I don't know what God's plan is for me today, or tomorrow, or maybe I won' ever know. I do know some things, though. I know that I can work at walking in His ways and being more loving to others. I think that's about all I can handle right now.
And of course, I'll be on call if any more of my friends want my unbounded wisdom. But mum's the word. I'm not quite ready to let them know that I don't know nothing' about nothin' at all. :-)
Peace and all good things...
Right now, I'm in a wonderful position to wax eloquent on what other people ought to be doing with their lives because, well, my body has led me to a place where it has finally said (in an exasperated voice, I might add), "You have not taken good care of yourself and now you have to take care of me or you won't be around to be doing much of anything. Are you listening?" Um. Yeah, this time I am.
I don't know when and where I got the idea in my life that every little moment had to have purpose, had to be productive, had to push me a little farther along in the "game of life." Maybe it comes from being that kind of kid who never, ever thought she could win at anything.
I loved board games and I hated them. I always approached them with a tiny inkling of hope that maybe, maybe just this time I could win Boardwalk or Park Place and be the big wheel, or maybe win at Chutes and Ladders for once, or I could maybe hula hoop long enough at the county fair to get some kind of prize. (I know. I'm dating myself). But no. I perceived myself as a loser from the get go, so I usually lost. It never dawned on me that people who won at games sometimes played them a lot, and kids who could hula hoop actually practiced. By the way, I don't always think that kids have a lack of confidence because of parents or circumstance. Sometimes we just end up being that way for whatever reason.
So, part of this sequestration in this bed for the past four days has been, in a strange way, a godsend. I have not been able to escape myself and my twisted thinking. Slowly but surely, through reading Hauerwas's "The Peaceable Kingdom" and listening to recent lectures by this amazing woman named Barbara Brown Taylor, (thank you Fr. Josh for your wonderful website http://www.discernland.blogsport.com) that I'm beginning to think that my confusion about my faith does not make me any less of a Christian than the next person. That much of the darkness I've walked through in my life has taught me courage and that somehow I've always been able to do what good old Churchill is quoted as saying, "When you're going through hell, just keep going." I like Taylor's image of someone being an "emerging Christian." I think I might fit that description.
All these years I have assumed that I am supposed to know God, I'm supposed to know God's will for me, I'm supposed to "have all the answers." Well, I don't. I don't know a lot. But I do know that lying here for this past week has brought a sweetness to my heart about my relationships with the people in my life. I've had time to read about things going on in the world that I had no idea were happening. It has given me time to talk with my older son, who I have not been with very much in the past ten years, and it brought both of us to tears. It has made me appreciate deeply my younger son's insights and good-heartedness in just being a person who naturally helps people. It has even made me more patient with my spouse of 38 years. (Now THAT'S an accomplishment!)
And, I get to look out my beloved window every day and see the trees. Charlotte is called the City of Trees, and I have a gorgeous little view of a bunch of them every morning of my life. Take a peek.
So, what I suggested to my friend--actually I'm in a 12-step program with her, so it was even more than a "suggestion" although we're not supposed to give advice (ha!)--that she take five minutes of her day and simply put her feet up--get off her feet, ground herself by unhitching herself from the earth. I heard her sigh, so I am hoping she took my advice.
In the meantime, I will take my own advice and rest, and let myself not have to have all the answers today. I don't know what God's plan is for me today, or tomorrow, or maybe I won' ever know. I do know some things, though. I know that I can work at walking in His ways and being more loving to others. I think that's about all I can handle right now.
And of course, I'll be on call if any more of my friends want my unbounded wisdom. But mum's the word. I'm not quite ready to let them know that I don't know nothing' about nothin' at all. :-)
Peace and all good things...
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