Not an Über Christian Yet

Lest you think I'm singing "Onward Christian Soldier" and passing out pamphlets about the Glories of the Kingdom on every street corner, never fear.  I am probably more confused than ever about 1) whether I am a Christian, 2) what exactly it means to be a Christian and 3) how I'm going to make it through this faith journey in the first place.

In other words, I'm confused and maybe a little disillusioned.  Clearly, there was a side of me that thought getting back in the Christian swing of things was just going to be a matter of choice.  It's so much more than that.  You know, it was going to be "find a church, sign up for a couple of committees, show up on Sundays, go to Bible study, ask a lot of questions, get annoyed at the answers because they don't make sense or they are too hard to understand, or they seem too "exclusive" of other faiths, or are too 'political' and well, just leave."  These are the types of things that have caused me to run before.

Once, even, I left a church after being shunned by the choir.  I'd never been shunned before.  It's really an experience everyone should have at some point in their life.  Makes you learn about yourself and maybe about what you believe.  I'm a recovering alcoholic.  There was a woman showing up at choir practice falling down drunk.  Everyone acted as if nothing was going on.  I tried to talk to her and she literally cursed me out.  I really was worried about her so I went to the priest in confidence about it.  The next rehearsal she came in, still drunk and said that I had "told on her" to the priest and that he didn't want her singing in the choir if she was going to show up drunk.  She walked out and we all sat there in stunned silence.  From that day forward, which was about three weeks, no one spoke to me.  I was suddenly a non-entity.  I thought I had gone to the priest in confidence.  I was furious and told him so.  He told me that as a priest he had acted on his good judgment and felt I should own up to being the one that "outed" her.   Well, I was "out of there" pretty fast.

Was I right to do what I did?  I don't know.  I do know that being shunned was one of the most shaming, hurtful acts that I have ever experienced.  I never want to experience it again, and I never want to be part of a group of individuals who would do that to someone.

Why do I bring up the story?  Well, let's just say it was part of my experience that makes it difficult for me to just come skipping and hopping into a congregation without knowing more about how they operate.  It also has to do with my tendency to "run away" rather than face something that clearly needs addressing.  I now wish I had made more of a stand for myself, gone back to the priest and explained to him my motives and asked for more clarity.  I would have confronted the group and talked openly about their behavior to their faces.  Instead, I picked up my little tent, and ran off into the night.

I have done this in every congregation I've belonged to.  When I was a Lutheran in the '80's, they were too "political" for me.  When I was a Methodist, they were constantly asking me to volunteer my time and energy at a point when I felt my life was falling apart.  Did I talk about the disintegration of my life with the pastor?  Heck no.  I just left.  I didn't want him to think of me as an uncheery, unhelpful Christian.  He would have been the first person to help me, but that good old word "pride", coupled with  "shame" got in the way.

My stint with a group of chanting Buddhists was equally disenchanting.  I don't want to denigrate these nice people, but really, the whole "chant for a car and you will get a car" did not work for me, mainly because I already had a car and what I really wanted was someone or something to put my life back together.  

I do thank the 12-step program I've belonged to for 30 years for keeping me alive much of that time.  I was in a spiritual community and it got me out of myself long enough not to get my head stuck up you-know-where and return to behavior that could have killed me.

My next approach was to become what is now called an "unaffiliated Buddhist" which means you can take what you need and leave the rest.  I was highly attracted to Tibetan Buddhism and still find some of their practices deep and fulfilling.  I was going along quite nicely not having to deal with a God force outside of myself, meditating, learning to be in the "now", when in 2010 I lost three very special people in my life, within a four month period.  I fell to pieces and I couldn't put myself back together.  The Buddhist practice didn't help, even meetings didn't feel fulfilling, and I was so estranged from "G-O-D" that I fell into a deep abyss, not sure if and when I'd ever get out.

I tell all of this to you for one reason--to explain why I am "taking my time" THIS time in my faith journey.  I did go to several churches in town when I got back from Ghana (see previous post) and found one where I felt comfortable in the place.  There's a gorgeous stained-glass window behind the altar there where I can lose myself sometimes when I'm feeling detached from the words being said.  They also have a pipe organ that has tones that reach down deep when I'm getting lost.  

The challenge, of course, and I'm already experiencing it, is to not "run away" the minute I hear something I don't agree with, or that sounds strange or maybe even "political."

The priest I have connected with at this church helped me a lot when I was telling him that I just couldn't say The Creed and mean everything in it.  He is young, and direct, and funny, too, all attributes that make it easy for me to listen to him.  He looked at me earnestly and said, "You know the Creed says "We" not "I".  Why don't you start there?"  That I could accept.  That I could understand.  That, I can even do.  

Sometimes there are parts of the service where I fall silent because I'm not sure I can honestly say what is being asked of me to say.  But I'm not running out of the room.  I'm holding my seat this time.  I'm singing loudly and with purpose.  And no one, at least not yet, has shunned me for being honest about where I am on this journey.

Peace and all good things...Cristina